Earlier this month I wrote about having a "Be still and know that I am God" moment. I thought that after that week passed that I was good; that I understood what God wanted from me. Apparently I have a very short memory or a poor understanding of what God was trying to say (probably a little of both).
Tuesday night I had an unexpected break down thinking about a variety of things. I cried and questioned God and called out for some reassurance. He was merciful and reminded me of the journey that He has me on but the whole experience left me emotionally and physically frail. That made for a very interesting Wednesday.
When I arrived at work I was exhausted and could hardly focus. As I looked ahead at my schedule for the week I felt a tidal wave of crushing responsibilities weighing down on me. Worse still, I felt like there was no time to accomplish it all. I made a post on Facebook and was touched by the way everyone responded. One of my friends said she would pray for me and, when she did, she said she heard the phrase, "Be still and know I am God."
In the Bible when God repeats a phrase it is because He wants us to take note. So I decided maybe I need to sit up and pay attention. As I pondered over what it means to "be still" I realized I had no idea what God was actually asking of me.
I went to the internet and looked up some commentaries on Psalm 46:10 and found one that spoke peace to my heart. It talks about what "be still" means in this passage. Basically it is more than stopping and not trying to do so much. It is an attitude of "giving up" and acknowledging that without God's power we cannot accomplish anything. Here's something that stood out to me:
Here is the irony in this term “be still.” While we must take the
initiative to fulfill our responsibilities and live our lives, the
uncertainties of living in a world of sin and woe will continually
challenge us. Personal initiative is no substitute for reliance upon God
(cf. James 4:13-17).
So, I do have to keep striving towards fulfilling my calling but I have to do it in total reliance upon God.
This is definitely something that is going to take some time to fully understand and realize. At the heart of it I think God wants me to take a step back from continually filling my plate so that I can focus on what He is doing and what He is calling me to do. I'm also going to have to work on my attitude about job responsibilities. I know what I'm called to do and when I look at that task it is overwhelming. However, with God, I can accomplish it. I have to stop trying to do so much on my own and start praying that God will take care of every little detail along the way.
P.S. Here's commentary that I found on Psalm 46:10 that really illuminated some things to me.
I find your blog very transparent, ballsy, really. It takes guts to let strangers know so much about your struggles. One thing I have noticed reading your blog is that you- as you have mentioned- are anxious a lot. I'm not sure if this may pertain to you or not, but something that helped me better understand and, as a result, caused me to organize my life otherwise, was something Max Lucado told Donald Miller. He said," mow only your patch of grass." Max told Don about all the "opportunities" he had to turn down because it would take away from his true patch of grass; writing and being a leader as his San Antonio church.
ReplyDeleteAfter that I told the city council lady who was considering giving me all sorts of responsibilities that, as much as I love most of the causes, I can't do the work. Then I told another group I could not consistently lead the studies. I was going to focus on my patch right now.
Perhaps- just maybe- your struggles are a result of you taking on more than you're supposed to. I don't know you well at all. So, for all I know all your stress solely comes from the non-profit work you are supposed to be doing. If that's the case, then Max's words have no bearing on you, and you would have wasted fifteen seconds of your life reading this and another entire minuted thinking about it. Sorry.
Have a blessed day.