A Quick Visit to Voluntari and Other Things

So, not much in the way of excitement has been going on around here lately. For me it's mostly lessons and homework. The Periș kids were at the beach last week. One roommate went to visit some friends about two and half hours away and my other roommate works every day from about 2:00 in the afternoon until well past midnight (this means she sleeps until about 11:00 every morning and I'm lucky if I see her at all). My friend Talitha was at camp all week so I was pretty much alone. I got some housecleaning completed and some napping done but nothing of great importance. Oh, and a lot of homework finished as well.

By Thursday my roommate was back so we went to the team house to help make school kits to give to the orphanages. The kids don't start school for a few more weeks but we needed to get it done before some of the staff takes vacation. Several of them are taking international trips that will be several weeks long so we want to be ready to hit the ground running when they return.

After making the school kits we went over to the orphanage at Voluntari to hang out with the kids. It was a really nice day so we stayed outside with them.

Sometimes I let the kids play games or take pictures on my phone. I wish I could show you how dirty my case was after they had handled it on Thursday. But then I wouldn't have such fabulous pictures as this one of Alexandra shaking her butt:

Occasionally she does slow down long enough to take a decent picture. However, she has no "off" button for her sass.

Other than getting to see the kids, the week as been fairly low key. I say fairly because there are some personal things going on right now that I'm dealing with. All I can really say is that the devil is alive and kicking. It's hard when every day you feel the fatigue of the spiritual battle going on around you. It's hard to do my part daily to take every thought and action captive and turn it over to God. Physically I have been really tired this week and my body has been really sore. Emotionally I have struggled with anxiety and feelings of helplessness. I see the beautiful sunset and know the park is just across the street but I have had a hard time finding the energy or motivation to get out and enjoy it. I've felt kind of lonely. Not homesick but just lonely in that way you get when you feel like a total outsider (gee, I wonder why...).

Some of this is just a passing phase. I know that. I can sense that it is coming to an end as the kids return from their vacations and as we look ahead to the new school year. I'm excited about the possibilities that lie in front of me. Yet, there is the real tug of other things, the things that try and drag you away from the true mission, that try and take your eyes off God. It's for those things that I would appreciate prayers.

Meanwhile, I will continue to keep my eyes on the prize...

Sometimes a Shower Changes Everything

Today I am on vacation. And, I have to admit, it didn't exactly go like I thought it would. This is how things were *supposed* to go today:

• Pick up mom, dad, and aunt from the airport very early.
• Come home, grab breakfast and any last minute items, jump in the car, and leave for SAFF.
• Arrive at SAFF, grab lunch, shop for a few hours.
• Head out to bed and breakfast.
• Stop off at grocery store for a few essentials for lunches and dinners.
• Arrive at B&B and spend rest of day relaxing (possibly grabbing a nap if time allows).

How things actually went:

• Wake up at 4:30 and immediately begin researching where to find the cell phone lot (because you have no idea where it is and need to go there in an hour).
• Leave 15 minutes early in order to get gas for car.
• Arrive at airport. Wait. Wait. Wait some more.
• Pick up parents and aunt who are very tired (because they just came in on a flight from out west and their times are all screwed up).
• Drive aunt home.
• Drive parents home.
• Get breakfast, put on make up, obsess over details of caring for high maintenance cat, pack car, and leave.
• Be totally jazzed for your trip for the first hour and half.
• Start to feel a little more tired and run down the closer you get to SAFF.
• Park a half a mile away from the venue (not really but it felt like it), shake off any tiredness, head into show.
• Get "lunch" (chilli cheese fries and a large Dr. Pepper) because blood sugar is kind of low.
• Shop for an hour and half before you start to feel woozy (probably because "lunch" didn't help that blood sugar problem at all).
• Make sure you run into an old friend when you are feeling half drunk and more than a little nauseous.
• Try to carry on conversation with friend and pray that she doesn't think you are totally off your rocker.
• Finish shopping after overspending.
• Remind self that this is supposed to be an indulgence and to stop fretting about it.
• Drive to B & B.
• Get almost to B & B and realize that you need to stop at the grocery store and that one you passed like 5 miles ago was the one.
• Go to "interesting" grocery store (it was reminiscent of Aldi...only more country).
• On way back to B & B get call from host. She is in town and won't be there when you arrive but she walks you through how to find your room.
• Arrive at B & B.
• Come in to find family dog on couch (you knew he'd be around somewhere).
• Dog begins to bark.
• Since you have been assured that dog is harmless begin to approach dog, speaking softly.
• Dog continues to bark.
• Hold out hand so dog can smell it and you can become friends.
• Dog bares teeth and looks like he might lunge.
• Withdraw hand extra quick, yelp, and have small heart attack simultaneously.
• Retreat to room.
• Unpack car giving dog the side eye the whole time.
• Try to lay down for a nap.
• Other guest begins playing various instruments downstairs, directly under your room: piano, something that sounds like an auto harp, and a violin. None of these are executed with any finesse.
• Give up on nap.
• Have panic attack because you have been around people all day, you took some medicine that increases your chance of being anxious, you got snarled at by a dog, you have a headache, and you are tired as all get out.
• Come down to make dinner.
• Make peace with the dog.
• Eat dinner.
• Go to room and knit.
• Start to feel very homesick and sad for yourself because the day hasn't really turned out all that well.
• Think about going home.
• Text best friend.

This, my friends, is when the day turned around. Why? My bestie told me to go for a walk. Forget about it. Forget about anyone else. Hit reset. And it hit me...that was exactly what I needed to do. Not take a walk per say, but hit the reset button. This could still be a nice vacation for me. Even if all I did was lay in bed because I was feeling under the weather. I mean look at this view from the window in my room:

I realized I was sitting around in my stinky thinking still (literally) reeking from the day. I needed to literally get clean so I could clear my mental slate. So I gathered up my toiletries, towel, and pajamas and headed to the shower. It totally helped. My head still hurts and I'm still really tired but I can head to bed now looking forward to the next few days of my vacation.

P.S. I am leaving out the part about where I tried to get the AC to work in my room and it was blasting hot air and I thought I was going to roast to death.

P.P.S. My host and her husband did eventually show up...just as I was getting out of the shower.

Dear Facebook, We're Breaking Up

Sometimes I hate Facebook.

Let me be clear: there are some good things that have come out of joining Facebook. I have met friends the world over who I love and cherish. I have found support in times of great need. I have been able to pray for those who needed prayer. I have stayed connected with people that, without this medium, it would be nearly impossible.

And yet...

Sometimes I hate Facebook. There is a lot of misinterpreted, half-truths, and slanted stories that end up smattered over by news feed. Add in well-meaning but often misguided personal opinions and just plain out rants and I don't think I can handle it.

I have a problem with media in general. I think it elicits too much fear. One week we hear front page news that reeks of calamity and catastrophe. The next week the situation has stabilized or resolved and suddenly we never hear about it again. Yes, there are some things that we need to hear about. Social justice issues need a conduit for reaching the masses. But people need to realize that things like genocide, war, natural disasters, and epidemics have been going on for hundreds of years, often with more disastrous consequences than in this age. This doesn't mean that we should turn a blind eye, it means we need to stop sensationalizing it. We need to report facts and stop putting a spin on it. We need to extend the hand of hope and healing instead of the earful of scaremongering.

So, I'm breaking up with Facebook. I'm on a quest to reduce the amount of unnecessary anxiety in my life and Facebook falls into that category. I'm going to delete Facebook off my phone and limit my Facebook checking to once a day on my computer at home, if I have time. I hope that you all understand my choice. I will still be on Twitter and you can always email me. But Mark Zuckerberg...

You're on my short list...and I don't mean that in a good way.

Make Up Your Mind

Dear Weather,

Please make up your mind and stick with it.

Love,
Me

I guess I was sort of asking for it when I posted my praises of the warm spring weather in my most recent Counting my Blessings post. Today this what my weather app tells me we are in for:

What the heck?!?! 30 degrees! Seriously?!? Last week we were in the 70's.

Normally I wouldn't complain. Actually I like the fall. I love the feel and the smells of the season. However, I think there is something about that season (and winter as well) that triggers my anxiety. I don't know if it is due to an event (or several events) from my past that happened in the fall, causing me to associate fall with stress or danger. Maybe it's the shortening of days and the fact that I have to stay inside all the time (something you would think I love, seeing as how I'm an introvert). Maybe it's the actual temperature. All I know is that after a few days of nice weather my mood has improved tremendously. I've had some anxiety provoking moments but only one full blown panic attack in the last two months. And I was able to remind myself that feelings aren't facts and pull myself back together very quickly. It's not that things don't bother me, it's just that I feel I can deal with them so much better in the spring than I could in the fall.

This morning I realized that it really might be the temperature as I slept terribly last night, had a difficult time getting out of bed, and then was not in the mood to be talkative and sociable during breakfast. It's not that I was rude to anyone I just high tailed it out of the kitchen as politely as I could before I overstayed my welcome. I know when it's time to exit stage left.

For the rest of today I'll be bundled up hoping and praying that it gets warmer quickly. And maybe looking at property in the Bahamas...

More About Being Still

Earlier this month I wrote about having a "Be still and know that I am God" moment. I thought that after that week passed that I was good; that I understood what God wanted from me. Apparently I have a very short memory or a poor understanding of what God was trying to say (probably a little of both).

Tuesday night I had an unexpected break down thinking about a variety of things. I cried and questioned God and called out for some reassurance. He was merciful and reminded me of the journey that He has me on but the whole experience left me emotionally and physically frail. That made for a very interesting Wednesday.

When I arrived at work I was exhausted and could hardly focus. As I looked ahead at my schedule for the week I felt a tidal wave of crushing responsibilities weighing down on me. Worse still, I felt like there was no time to accomplish it all. I made a post on Facebook and was touched by the way everyone responded. One of my friends said she would pray for me and, when she did, she said she heard the phrase, "Be still and know I am God."

In the Bible when God repeats a phrase it is because He wants us to take note. So I decided maybe I need to sit up and pay attention. As I pondered over what it means to "be still" I realized I had no idea what God was actually asking of me.

I went to the internet and looked up some commentaries on Psalm 46:10 and found one that spoke peace to my heart. It talks about what "be still" means in this passage. Basically it is more than stopping and not trying to do so much. It is an attitude of "giving up" and acknowledging that without God's power we cannot accomplish anything. Here's something that stood out to me:

Here is the irony in this term “be still.” While we must take the initiative to fulfill our responsibilities and live our lives, the uncertainties of living in a world of sin and woe will continually challenge us. Personal initiative is no substitute for reliance upon God (cf. James 4:13-17).

So, I do have to keep striving towards fulfilling my calling but I have to do it in total reliance upon God.

This is definitely something that is going to take some time to fully understand and realize. At the heart of it I think God wants me to take a step back from continually filling my plate so that I can focus on what He is doing and what He is calling me to do. I'm also going to have to work on my attitude about job responsibilities. I know what I'm called to do and when I look at that task it is overwhelming. However, with God, I can accomplish it. I have to stop trying to do so much on my own and start praying that God will take care of every little detail along the way.

P.S. Here's commentary that I found on Psalm 46:10 that really illuminated some things to me.

Worrywart: Hypochondriac Edition

I am a bona fide worrywart. My incessant anxiety issues will probably come up multiple times on this blog in various forms. I can find anything to worry about and often do. There is almost always something I can find to work myself up about. This weekend, for example, I had a brief episode of hypochondria.

My Myers-Brigg's personality is an INTJ. I thrive on logic and order and I value intelligence. However, because I can get stuck in my own head and I like to come to a conclusion before fully fleshing ideas out, sometimes I come up with the "worst case scenario" and assume that to be the truth. At various points in my life I have been afraid that I had botulism, a brain tumor, AIDS, and various forms of cancer (never mind the very obvious reasons why I would have none of these issues). Take, for example, this classic freakout about the brain tumor...

Me: I'm totally freaking out!
Best Friend: Why?
M: I think I might have a brain tumor.
BF: Why would you think that?
M: I've been having these weird migraine-type headaches for the last few weeks.
BF: You don't have a brain tumor.
M: I might!
BF: You don't have a brain tumor.
M: I could!
BF: You don't.
M: Well, I'm going to the doctor and I'm going to ask them and what if they tell me that I have a brain tumor?!?
BF: They're not going to tell you that you have a brain tumor because you don't have one. You are more likely to have a tumor on your ass.
M: Yeah!!! Well, what if I go to the doctor and they tell me that I have a brain tumor on my ass?!?! What then?!?!

Just a sampling of my ridiculous thinking.

Needless to say, WebMD has become a frienemy of mine. It offers hope in one paragraph ("Migraines can be a sign of the following: stress, lack of sleep, looking at the sun too long..." Excellent! I'll just take a nap everyday!) and life destroying damnation in the next ("...cancer, leprosy, and brain eating bacteria." Great, I'm pretty much dead.)

It also really helps that my mother, aunt, and grandmother enjoy watching true crime and hospital horror shows. They have a weird, soul crushing story for everything. Cut your finger? They saw a story about someone who lost the entire right side of their body after an infection seeped in through a paper cut. Feeling dizzy? They watched a program about an entire school of children who contracted a rare disease that caused them to feel dizzy and then suddenly drop dead two days later. If you are looking for comfort from them you are likely not to find it. The icing on the cake is mentioning an ailment to them and ending up in a 2 hour conversation about all the horrible and bizarre things they have heard about people who had the exact same thing that you did. Oh, and P.S. they all ended up dead. But you're likely to pull through! :::pat on the back:::

This weekend I was pretty sure I had contracted some awful disease. I won't even tell you my symptoms or what I thought was going on because, thinking about it in hindsight, I can see how it was all simply crazy-pants. I'm not saying that there isn't cause for concern when things do go wrong. But let's face the facts: I've had good check ups from my doctor for the last several years. I eat relatively healthy and work out 4-5 times a week. I take supplements and vitamins. This doesn't make me invincible by any means but I have managed to escape several rounds of respiratory issues and stomach viruses this winter.

So, no. I'm pretty sure I don't have pneumonia of the pinky toe. But since I've just proclaimed my current, healthy state of existence I'm pretty certain that next week I will come down with the flu.