A Quick Visit to Voluntari and Other Things

So, not much in the way of excitement has been going on around here lately. For me it's mostly lessons and homework. The Periș kids were at the beach last week. One roommate went to visit some friends about two and half hours away and my other roommate works every day from about 2:00 in the afternoon until well past midnight (this means she sleeps until about 11:00 every morning and I'm lucky if I see her at all). My friend Talitha was at camp all week so I was pretty much alone. I got some housecleaning completed and some napping done but nothing of great importance. Oh, and a lot of homework finished as well.

By Thursday my roommate was back so we went to the team house to help make school kits to give to the orphanages. The kids don't start school for a few more weeks but we needed to get it done before some of the staff takes vacation. Several of them are taking international trips that will be several weeks long so we want to be ready to hit the ground running when they return.

After making the school kits we went over to the orphanage at Voluntari to hang out with the kids. It was a really nice day so we stayed outside with them.

Sometimes I let the kids play games or take pictures on my phone. I wish I could show you how dirty my case was after they had handled it on Thursday. But then I wouldn't have such fabulous pictures as this one of Alexandra shaking her butt:

Occasionally she does slow down long enough to take a decent picture. However, she has no "off" button for her sass.

Other than getting to see the kids, the week as been fairly low key. I say fairly because there are some personal things going on right now that I'm dealing with. All I can really say is that the devil is alive and kicking. It's hard when every day you feel the fatigue of the spiritual battle going on around you. It's hard to do my part daily to take every thought and action captive and turn it over to God. Physically I have been really tired this week and my body has been really sore. Emotionally I have struggled with anxiety and feelings of helplessness. I see the beautiful sunset and know the park is just across the street but I have had a hard time finding the energy or motivation to get out and enjoy it. I've felt kind of lonely. Not homesick but just lonely in that way you get when you feel like a total outsider (gee, I wonder why...).

Some of this is just a passing phase. I know that. I can sense that it is coming to an end as the kids return from their vacations and as we look ahead to the new school year. I'm excited about the possibilities that lie in front of me. Yet, there is the real tug of other things, the things that try and drag you away from the true mission, that try and take your eyes off God. It's for those things that I would appreciate prayers.

Meanwhile, I will continue to keep my eyes on the prize...

Perspective

Today I was talking with one of the summer team members, Ruth, about our kids. We were discussing who has grabbed our hearts and how much we like working with the kids. Then Ruth mentioned a new kid who arrived just days before we started camp this week. He's an older boy, maybe 15 or 16, and we were speculating on what this transition could be like for him. After a minute Ruth says, "Do you think he just goes, 'Well, this is life now'?".

What a kicker.

Imagine you are unceremoniously dropped off at a gated compound holding 75+ other children. You have spent the majority of your life somewhere other than here. Maybe it was with your parents, maybe it was in foster care, maybe it was another orphanage...don't know this particular child's story but wherever he was it was not the Periș orphanage (and understand that even if he was at another orphanage the quality of care can be vastly different between them). So, you have just left any life, however good or bad it was, and been thrust into a totally different life. You have to figure out your place in the hierarchy and you better figure it out quick. Then, a few days after you arrive, this group of Americans rolls up in their big, slightly sketchy looking van, try to befriend you, and then drag you along to their camp about Jesus.

Yep, Jesus loves you! Sorry about everything else!

I'm not saying this may not turn out to be the best thing that has ever happened in this kid's life. In fact, I hope it is. I hope that he learns that he is welcomed by us, no matter how long he has been at the orphanage, and that he is loved, not just by us, but by God. I hope he keeps the sweet, calm demeanor he has (so far) displayed. I hope he makes some great friends. I hope he is safe. I hope that he realizes his potential in life.

I'm praying that if he is thinking, Well, this is life now, that it's with a positive and hopeful tone.

Why is God so Good?

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. - 1 Peter 5:8-10 (NIV)

Why do I have such a hard time believing that God is good? Just this weekend God used someone close to me to teach me that the devil is alive and he will come after those who seek God at the times they are the weakest. He will catch them in a moment when their guard is down. When they think, "I've got this. No big deal," he will try to devour. And God will let him. Because we should always be alert. It's tiring, yes, but God has called us to bigger and better things.

I have asked that God refine me and prepare me for the next step, to go out to the nations and share His love. Just a reminder folks, don't pray for something if you don't mean it. Whenever I try to tell God, "Ok, ok...I get it...I've got it under control." God gently but firmly says, "You need to give this over to me. You need to let it go. We can't move forward when you are still holding onto this earthly thing. I have something bigger for you. But you have to admit you are powerless. Then I will make you strong." What a hard lesson to learn sometimes! And, man, I can be stubborn too!

But, God is good.

The verse above says that "after a little while" God will "restore you." God's timing is always so...unpredictable. Sometimes "a little while" means several years and sometimes it means just a few hours. But I always think, in my humanness, that God will drag out the teaching. He'll drag out my "punishment" if you will. I have a hard time believing the good things I receive after I have just been a sinner in my finest: I wake up reconciled with others but I still walk around on egg shells. Do I not believe that God can restore relationships? I find a message from someone I admire reaching out to connect with little ol' me. Do I not believe that God will open doors for me? Do I not believe that God is good? Do I not believe when He says He will give me "a crown of beauty instead of ashes"? Why do I always think that I deserve eternal punishment when God says, "I'm waiting for you to turn to me so I can bring you blessings"?

Wow...how sad that I do this ALL. THE. TIME. And then, worst of all, I miss out on the blessings because I'm still wallowing in the guilt of my sin.

Y'all, God is good. He loves us so much, even when we totally don't deserve it. He wants to teach us, not to punish us, but to bring us to greater joy, to draw us closer to Him, to pour out blessings. He wants us to turn away from things that look good on the outside but will end up hurting us. The next time I have a setback (and it will happen because I'm just a human being after all) I hope I remember this.

New Year

I truly love days where you are forced to just rest and be still. Today, most shops are closed (or should be), there is no work to rush off to, no obligations to attend to. I'm thankful for this kind of day. They are so very few and far between. I was looking back at what I was doing this time last year and, in some ways, I was much less "busy" then than I am now. I feel a real weight of responsibilities at work that never seem to end and I feel a constant "push" at my back that reminds me the job is never finished. Strangely though, I'm nowhere near as anxious or stressed as I would have been this time last year with this much responsibility hanging over my head. God, in his sovereignty, taught me how to rest in Him and cast off my anxiety in anticipation of this moment. He taught me to sense when work was starting to overwhelm me and to step back and assess rather than get caught up in the moment and be swept away by fear and doubt. While I certainly wish most days that I had another 24 hours to accomplish all that needs to be done, I just do what I can and move on. I'm learning to look at a job and think, "How can this be done more efficiently? Who needs to be trained to help with this task? How can I train them in the way that is most beneficial to me and to them?" I know that learning to think this way is going to serve me well in the future. I look at systems and I see the brokenness. But it's not enough for me to recognize that they system is broken, God has placed a desire in my heart to fix the system and heal the people affected. Through this healing process God's power and goodness are revealed. I only pray that God continues to give me wisdom and guidance because I'm definitely the least qualified for the job!

I praise God that today is a day when I can feel the "push" ease a little. Where I can see that things may never get easier and the burden may never get lighter but that I am getting stronger. I'm so grateful for a moment to rest and be away from the responsibilities, even just for a minute. I pray that God will continue to provide these days throughout this year at just the time I need them.

A Different Kind of Day

Normally on the day after Christmas I would be doing something much different than what I am. Normally I would be rushing around throwing last minute items into suitcases, trying to put a few more gifts into nooks and crannies, packing another pair of wool socks, and getting prepared to head out to the airport for 14+ hours of travel halfway around the world to my second home, Romania. Today is different though. I'm not doing any of those things. For the first time in 4 years I'm sitting in my pajamas, knitting, and watching movies. I'm torn. My heart wants desperately to be with my kids. I want to see my friends and tramp through muddy snow and hand out Christmas gifts and get snotty noses rubbed on my sleeve. At the same time, I want to enjoy my family and friends. I want to enjoy my time off and relax and reset so that when I have to head back to work I can keep a somewhat clear frame of mind. I know that 2015 is bringing big changes to my life and that one day I will look back and realize that not spending 10 days with my little ones is nothing at all in comparison to what day to day life will be like. But, for right now, I'm feeling bummed. A bit sad. A little lost and pretty upset. I have already let the kids know but I wonder if they feel any disappointment. If it even comes close to the disappointment I feel. Anyways, I'm having all the feels and I hope that you will be a little understanding of me at this time as I try to process everything that is going on in my life right now.

Heading out (Christmas 2012)

The Little Engine that Couldn't

I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can go back to work tomorrow. In the past I've usually come back from Romania and gone straight to work the very next day. I didn't have to time to think about anything, just jump right back in. It was exhausting but in some ways I think it's better. This time I had the whole weekend to "adjust." But really all I've done is sit around and think about the storm that is waiting me when I walk tomorrow:

- The only other co-worker I had in my department gave her two weeks notice the day before I left. Her last day was Friday. Once again I will find myself alone managing all the new intakes, all the insurance reauthorizations, and my own caseload of clients. It's a place I have been to several times over the past year but not a place that I willingly return to. It is a very tough place to be and I dread the next few months as stress and demands wear away at me. I pray that this time it will be different but I was recently given more authority over my department which essentially equals more administrative duties. Good thing (?) I only have to answer to myself...

- I update all the new authorizations in a huge database. Not sure this got done while I was gone. Which means two weeks of authorizations to add and manage.

- We recently implemented a plan to do 6 month reauthorizations on all clients. This increases my workload two fold as the kids are now coming in twice as frequently.

- I have to schedule times to see all my clients. Thankfully I only have 4 right now but I still have to manage to fit them into my schedule.

- I have a meeting with an insurance company rep at 11:00 on Monday morning. Hoo-rah (please note sarcasim).

I know I should be more positive. I really do enjoy my job. And I love my co-workers. And my birthday is this week (wait...is that a positive or a negative...). I know that God will give me strength and all that other Christianese we spout that is supposed to make me feel better (thanks for the cliches but not today). I know I will get over it...eventually. But right now I'm not looking forward to smiling and saying, "Glad to be back!" (lies...kind of...it's complicated...) and dealing with "issues" that people think are important but really and truly are not.

Right now my heart is too busy breaking.

I Think They Know in Their Hearts

I'm always amazed each time I go to Romania which kids end up being drawn to me and me to them. Sometimes I end up spending time with kids I have known for a long time but who drift in and out of their interest in being with me. Sometimes I spend time with kids I hardly know at all. And, of course, there are some kids I always spend time with.

Of all the places we visit I'm always most interested to see how my time at Voluntari will go. The orphanage is full of younger kids so they are less likely to remember me from visit to visit. This time I ended up being with one little boy, Alberto, quite a bit, especially during our second week.

I actually knew Alberto from the time he first arrived at the orphanage. I distinctly remember him because he was one of the only kids there who was still in diapers. He was such a little cutie with his big eyes and chubby little cheeks!

Making crafts (Summer 2012)

At the pool party (Summer 2012)

Swinging (Summer 2012)

Alberto was around the other times that I went (though I seem to lack much photographic evidence of such) and I'm sure that I spent a little time with him here and there but, overall, we haven't had a whole lot of interactions. Little Alberto got integrated into the 30 plus "grădiniță" (preschool and kindergarten aged kids) at Voluntari.

Getting Christmas presents (Winter 2012/2013)

Sitting with Ms. Cherri (Winter 2013/2014)

Front and center (in the blue stripes) to show off his snowflake craft (Winter 2013/2014)

I hate to say that Alberto got lost in the crowd but as a very quiet and very well behaved (relative to all his peers of course) little boy he sometimes got overlooked for the kids who were running in circles, climbing on the tables, and yelling at the top of their lungs. But this time around, he picked me.

I spent one day playing a little on the playground with him (I think I took an interest in his trucks or something like that) and from then on he would find me. He'd stick out his little hand and I'd take it and we'd be on our way.

At outdoor worship time the day we decided to be best buds.

I can't explain why some kids decide after all the years, after all the visits, after all the time why they are ready to let you into their little world.

The Day of 100 Selfies (literally...he took over 120 pictures sitting on my lap one afternoon).

I don't know if Alberto really remembered me from all the visits before. I don't know if any of the little kids do. But I do believe that God helps them remember in their hearts if not in their heads.

Processing

For the last 2 weeks I have been in Romania (as you might remember me mentioning). I had initially gone with every intention of blogging while I was there. But I really couldn't put to words what I was feeling. Now that I'm home, the real processing will start. Over the next few weeks I'm going to try and share what was on my heart and my mind while I was away. The stories will likely not go in the order that they occurred but I don't think that will matter in the long run. I will also post some of these stories on the Walking With Orphans page as well (which you should check out...I've started a new campaign for future trips and you can buy a shirt to help support me...there's even a video, with music!). I hope that you will enjoy hearing about my time in Romania and my heart for those kiddos.