Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Breaking Point

I knew it was going to come. I knew there would be a point when something snapped. It might not be a visible moment to everyone but I knew that I would know it when it happened.

And it happened today.

Let me preface this by saying that I have been missing Romania a lot the last few days. I processed a lot with my friend Deanna last Saturday and my mom and I processed a lot on Sunday. There have been thoughts swirling around about a lot of things. In some ways a fog has lifted but that doesn't mean things are clear...does that make sense? Or that the way out of the fog is clear and easy. So, yes...processing, missing, etc., etc., etc.

And I've been having trouble sleeping.

And it's a full moon tonight.

I'm sure this is all related. But back to earlier today.

I snapped. Inside. Where no one could see. But I'd had it today. Because of one post on Facebook.

The following post has had the details edited to protect the person who posted it but the spirit of the message is clear.

The post said: "Who wants to donate to the 'Send Jane to the One Direction Concert Fund'?"

I know the person who posted this and I know that they meant it as a joke. I don't think there are (many) people who seriously post things like that on Facebook. But it made me upset in my gut. I have been fundraising for going on 7 years now for various mission trips. I do not take it lightly.  I have lived through some pretty tight financial times. I have had days where I wasn't sure how I was going to put gas in the car or buy more cat food, much less people food. I've had months where I bounced more checks than I cashed. I never solicit money casually. It is very hard for me to ask for support, even for worthwhile things. And I know the pain of having to scrape by. Not like some people, thank the Lord, but I've worried about finances plenty. To see such a flippant comment made set something off in me.

My boys go to sleep and go to school in the same building. Why? Because they can't find one piece to the heating unit to heat their school. Know what they had for dinner one night? Bread with mashed potatoes in the middle. I saw a boy walking around for 2 weeks crying because he had a toothache while I was in Romania. Know why he couldn't get to the dentist? It was too expensive and time consuming to take him into the city. I don't understand how you could ask for money for a (crappy) concert when these are the scenes played out 1000 times a day the whole world over.

It is not for me to judge people. I struggle with this. I struggle with it a lot some days. I know that people make comments like this to be silly. I'm sure I've made similar sarcastic comments before too. Pot calling the kettle black and all that. I get it. I'm not mad at the person who made the comment. I'm mad at something else. I'm mad at the fact that we live in a society where a Veronica Mars Kickstarter project makes more money than some nonprofits do all year. I'm mad that there are kids who will go to bed hungry tonight in our own country and abroad and celebrities carry around $9000 monogrammed purses. I feel like we take our wants to the point of excess sometimes and that makes me mad.

I know I've just rambled on for way too long. Thanks for hanging in there. I'll be better tomorrow...maybe.

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