The Little Engine that Couldn't

I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can go back to work tomorrow. In the past I've usually come back from Romania and gone straight to work the very next day. I didn't have to time to think about anything, just jump right back in. It was exhausting but in some ways I think it's better. This time I had the whole weekend to "adjust." But really all I've done is sit around and think about the storm that is waiting me when I walk tomorrow:

- The only other co-worker I had in my department gave her two weeks notice the day before I left. Her last day was Friday. Once again I will find myself alone managing all the new intakes, all the insurance reauthorizations, and my own caseload of clients. It's a place I have been to several times over the past year but not a place that I willingly return to. It is a very tough place to be and I dread the next few months as stress and demands wear away at me. I pray that this time it will be different but I was recently given more authority over my department which essentially equals more administrative duties. Good thing (?) I only have to answer to myself...

- I update all the new authorizations in a huge database. Not sure this got done while I was gone. Which means two weeks of authorizations to add and manage.

- We recently implemented a plan to do 6 month reauthorizations on all clients. This increases my workload two fold as the kids are now coming in twice as frequently.

- I have to schedule times to see all my clients. Thankfully I only have 4 right now but I still have to manage to fit them into my schedule.

- I have a meeting with an insurance company rep at 11:00 on Monday morning. Hoo-rah (please note sarcasim).

I know I should be more positive. I really do enjoy my job. And I love my co-workers. And my birthday is this week (wait...is that a positive or a negative...). I know that God will give me strength and all that other Christianese we spout that is supposed to make me feel better (thanks for the cliches but not today). I know I will get over it...eventually. But right now I'm not looking forward to smiling and saying, "Glad to be back!" (lies...kind of...it's complicated...) and dealing with "issues" that people think are important but really and truly are not.

Right now my heart is too busy breaking.