Why is God so Good?

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. - 1 Peter 5:8-10 (NIV)

Why do I have such a hard time believing that God is good? Just this weekend God used someone close to me to teach me that the devil is alive and he will come after those who seek God at the times they are the weakest. He will catch them in a moment when their guard is down. When they think, "I've got this. No big deal," he will try to devour. And God will let him. Because we should always be alert. It's tiring, yes, but God has called us to bigger and better things.

I have asked that God refine me and prepare me for the next step, to go out to the nations and share His love. Just a reminder folks, don't pray for something if you don't mean it. Whenever I try to tell God, "Ok, ok...I get it...I've got it under control." God gently but firmly says, "You need to give this over to me. You need to let it go. We can't move forward when you are still holding onto this earthly thing. I have something bigger for you. But you have to admit you are powerless. Then I will make you strong." What a hard lesson to learn sometimes! And, man, I can be stubborn too!

But, God is good.

The verse above says that "after a little while" God will "restore you." God's timing is always so...unpredictable. Sometimes "a little while" means several years and sometimes it means just a few hours. But I always think, in my humanness, that God will drag out the teaching. He'll drag out my "punishment" if you will. I have a hard time believing the good things I receive after I have just been a sinner in my finest: I wake up reconciled with others but I still walk around on egg shells. Do I not believe that God can restore relationships? I find a message from someone I admire reaching out to connect with little ol' me. Do I not believe that God will open doors for me? Do I not believe that God is good? Do I not believe when He says He will give me "a crown of beauty instead of ashes"? Why do I always think that I deserve eternal punishment when God says, "I'm waiting for you to turn to me so I can bring you blessings"?

Wow...how sad that I do this ALL. THE. TIME. And then, worst of all, I miss out on the blessings because I'm still wallowing in the guilt of my sin.

Y'all, God is good. He loves us so much, even when we totally don't deserve it. He wants to teach us, not to punish us, but to bring us to greater joy, to draw us closer to Him, to pour out blessings. He wants us to turn away from things that look good on the outside but will end up hurting us. The next time I have a setback (and it will happen because I'm just a human being after all) I hope I remember this.

The Little Engine that Couldn't

I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can go back to work tomorrow. In the past I've usually come back from Romania and gone straight to work the very next day. I didn't have to time to think about anything, just jump right back in. It was exhausting but in some ways I think it's better. This time I had the whole weekend to "adjust." But really all I've done is sit around and think about the storm that is waiting me when I walk tomorrow:

- The only other co-worker I had in my department gave her two weeks notice the day before I left. Her last day was Friday. Once again I will find myself alone managing all the new intakes, all the insurance reauthorizations, and my own caseload of clients. It's a place I have been to several times over the past year but not a place that I willingly return to. It is a very tough place to be and I dread the next few months as stress and demands wear away at me. I pray that this time it will be different but I was recently given more authority over my department which essentially equals more administrative duties. Good thing (?) I only have to answer to myself...

- I update all the new authorizations in a huge database. Not sure this got done while I was gone. Which means two weeks of authorizations to add and manage.

- We recently implemented a plan to do 6 month reauthorizations on all clients. This increases my workload two fold as the kids are now coming in twice as frequently.

- I have to schedule times to see all my clients. Thankfully I only have 4 right now but I still have to manage to fit them into my schedule.

- I have a meeting with an insurance company rep at 11:00 on Monday morning. Hoo-rah (please note sarcasim).

I know I should be more positive. I really do enjoy my job. And I love my co-workers. And my birthday is this week (wait...is that a positive or a negative...). I know that God will give me strength and all that other Christianese we spout that is supposed to make me feel better (thanks for the cliches but not today). I know I will get over it...eventually. But right now I'm not looking forward to smiling and saying, "Glad to be back!" (lies...kind of...it's complicated...) and dealing with "issues" that people think are important but really and truly are not.

Right now my heart is too busy breaking.

More About Being Still

Earlier this month I wrote about having a "Be still and know that I am God" moment. I thought that after that week passed that I was good; that I understood what God wanted from me. Apparently I have a very short memory or a poor understanding of what God was trying to say (probably a little of both).

Tuesday night I had an unexpected break down thinking about a variety of things. I cried and questioned God and called out for some reassurance. He was merciful and reminded me of the journey that He has me on but the whole experience left me emotionally and physically frail. That made for a very interesting Wednesday.

When I arrived at work I was exhausted and could hardly focus. As I looked ahead at my schedule for the week I felt a tidal wave of crushing responsibilities weighing down on me. Worse still, I felt like there was no time to accomplish it all. I made a post on Facebook and was touched by the way everyone responded. One of my friends said she would pray for me and, when she did, she said she heard the phrase, "Be still and know I am God."

In the Bible when God repeats a phrase it is because He wants us to take note. So I decided maybe I need to sit up and pay attention. As I pondered over what it means to "be still" I realized I had no idea what God was actually asking of me.

I went to the internet and looked up some commentaries on Psalm 46:10 and found one that spoke peace to my heart. It talks about what "be still" means in this passage. Basically it is more than stopping and not trying to do so much. It is an attitude of "giving up" and acknowledging that without God's power we cannot accomplish anything. Here's something that stood out to me:

Here is the irony in this term “be still.” While we must take the initiative to fulfill our responsibilities and live our lives, the uncertainties of living in a world of sin and woe will continually challenge us. Personal initiative is no substitute for reliance upon God (cf. James 4:13-17).

So, I do have to keep striving towards fulfilling my calling but I have to do it in total reliance upon God.

This is definitely something that is going to take some time to fully understand and realize. At the heart of it I think God wants me to take a step back from continually filling my plate so that I can focus on what He is doing and what He is calling me to do. I'm also going to have to work on my attitude about job responsibilities. I know what I'm called to do and when I look at that task it is overwhelming. However, with God, I can accomplish it. I have to stop trying to do so much on my own and start praying that God will take care of every little detail along the way.

P.S. Here's commentary that I found on Psalm 46:10 that really illuminated some things to me.

Who Have I Become?

The internet at the house has been super slow ever since New Years so there may be a few posts that are a little older making their way up here slowly but surely.

On New Year's Day we took presents to a severe special needs orphanage. The first time I went I was totally overwhelmed. I just stood there rubbing a little girl’s hands and crying. The kids are sweet and the conditions are ok there (no worse or better than anywhere else in my opinion) but seeing all those children rocking, screaming, biting their hands, and salivating was a little much for me. I have always said it was the hardest ministry related thing that I have ever done.

The next time I came I was better prepared but I still had this distance towards the kids. I’ve always commended people who feel like they are called to adopt or work with children who have severe special needs. But I always felt like that was for them, not me.

And then I meet Mirela.

Mirela is probably one of the more “normal” looking children from the outside. She is super thin but has good teeth and hair and a sweet, sweet face. One of the workers told us that she had been in foster care and had just been returned to the orphanage about a year ago. Mirela held my hand and waited patiently for her present then showed me everything she got excitedly. She really liked the hair ties and plastic rings. We played “beauty shop” for several minutes while Elena and I put in little pig tails and took pictures each step of the way. Afterwards we tried to talk with Mirela a little and that’s when her needs became obvious. She didn’t know her age or how long she had been in the orphanage or where she had come from. I think she knew that she had a sister at Voluntari (which the staff had already told me) but I don’t know how much else she was capable of understanding. Mirela will never get to go to school or have a job. She will likely not be placed in another foster family. Now that she is at the severe special needs orphanage she will be forgotten in the system. Out of sight, out of mind.

How could you not love this precious face so full of joy?!?!

As I left all I could think about is what will happen to Mirela. If she was in a loving family she might be able to learn simple tasks so she could have some sort of independence. She could never live on her own but she might be able to have a job or go to a special school. Most importantly I could see Mirela thriving in a loving family. She would bring so much joy to anyone who gave her attention. In fact, because she had spent time with a foster family I think she was better off than many of the kids there. She had some social skills that others in her orphanage lack.

Giving some love to this sweet little girl.

Of all the children I have meet I feel a real sense of urgency in getting Mirela out of the orphanage.

Choosing the Bright Side

I found out this morning (at 12:25 a.m. to be exact) that 2 of my boys and their little brother went home with their bio mom for Christmas break. This means that I may or may not see them when I go to Romania later this week.

George and Iulian (on the far left and far right of the picture above) are 2 of the kids I've been closest to for years. Iuli especially. He's my "baby" :) My heart is grieving and I'm definitely a but stressed. They have promised to call but will they be able? Will they get anything for Christmas? Will they have enough food? Will they be safe? This is the first time since they came to the orphanage about 4 years ago that I have heard of their mother taking them home. Of course I'm worried! And sad. And hopeful. I don't want my kids to be orphans but selfishly I want them to be my sons. Oh man, this is definitely one of those "faith testing moments." Thanks, God. Happy holidays indeed.

But I'm choosing to look at the bright side in all of this. I'm choosing peace. I'm choosing belief in a God who is greater than everything. Maybe if I keep repeating this mantra all day then it will actually stick because, honestly, choosing to be calm and peaceful about this is hard.

However, I was reminded of something else that is making this easier. I was reminded of Ionut (in the center of the picture above) and Nicu

and Albina

and Marian, and Marius, and Diana, and...the list could go on and on. Of course I never forgot about them. I just didn't think about how God might need me to be with them this year. Maybe they need me now in a way that if George and Iulian and Florin were there I might miss. Yes, I'm excited to go and see them and see how God will use me on this trip. I remember that after my first trip years ago I prayed that when I returned I might get even just 1 day with Iulian again. I would travel halfway around the world just to spend an hour with that kid. I'm still praying that prayer for this trip. Lord, just give me 1 day with him and George. Just 1. But it's true for the others too. I would travel halfway around the world just for 1 day with Ionut, Nicu, Albina, Marian, Marius, Diana...especially if I knew they needed me.

I know it's selfish but would you please pray that I will get to see George and Iulian at least once while I'm in Romania? I want to know that they are safe and ok. And pray that I will keep choosing to see the bright side so that I'm emotionally available for the other kids. Thanks!