Dear Facebook, We're Breaking Up

Sometimes I hate Facebook.

Let me be clear: there are some good things that have come out of joining Facebook. I have met friends the world over who I love and cherish. I have found support in times of great need. I have been able to pray for those who needed prayer. I have stayed connected with people that, without this medium, it would be nearly impossible.

And yet...

Sometimes I hate Facebook. There is a lot of misinterpreted, half-truths, and slanted stories that end up smattered over by news feed. Add in well-meaning but often misguided personal opinions and just plain out rants and I don't think I can handle it.

I have a problem with media in general. I think it elicits too much fear. One week we hear front page news that reeks of calamity and catastrophe. The next week the situation has stabilized or resolved and suddenly we never hear about it again. Yes, there are some things that we need to hear about. Social justice issues need a conduit for reaching the masses. But people need to realize that things like genocide, war, natural disasters, and epidemics have been going on for hundreds of years, often with more disastrous consequences than in this age. This doesn't mean that we should turn a blind eye, it means we need to stop sensationalizing it. We need to report facts and stop putting a spin on it. We need to extend the hand of hope and healing instead of the earful of scaremongering.

So, I'm breaking up with Facebook. I'm on a quest to reduce the amount of unnecessary anxiety in my life and Facebook falls into that category. I'm going to delete Facebook off my phone and limit my Facebook checking to once a day on my computer at home, if I have time. I hope that you all understand my choice. I will still be on Twitter and you can always email me. But Mark Zuckerberg...

You're on my short list...and I don't mean that in a good way.

The Little Engine that Couldn't

I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can go back to work tomorrow. In the past I've usually come back from Romania and gone straight to work the very next day. I didn't have to time to think about anything, just jump right back in. It was exhausting but in some ways I think it's better. This time I had the whole weekend to "adjust." But really all I've done is sit around and think about the storm that is waiting me when I walk tomorrow:

- The only other co-worker I had in my department gave her two weeks notice the day before I left. Her last day was Friday. Once again I will find myself alone managing all the new intakes, all the insurance reauthorizations, and my own caseload of clients. It's a place I have been to several times over the past year but not a place that I willingly return to. It is a very tough place to be and I dread the next few months as stress and demands wear away at me. I pray that this time it will be different but I was recently given more authority over my department which essentially equals more administrative duties. Good thing (?) I only have to answer to myself...

- I update all the new authorizations in a huge database. Not sure this got done while I was gone. Which means two weeks of authorizations to add and manage.

- We recently implemented a plan to do 6 month reauthorizations on all clients. This increases my workload two fold as the kids are now coming in twice as frequently.

- I have to schedule times to see all my clients. Thankfully I only have 4 right now but I still have to manage to fit them into my schedule.

- I have a meeting with an insurance company rep at 11:00 on Monday morning. Hoo-rah (please note sarcasim).

I know I should be more positive. I really do enjoy my job. And I love my co-workers. And my birthday is this week (wait...is that a positive or a negative...). I know that God will give me strength and all that other Christianese we spout that is supposed to make me feel better (thanks for the cliches but not today). I know I will get over it...eventually. But right now I'm not looking forward to smiling and saying, "Glad to be back!" (lies...kind of...it's complicated...) and dealing with "issues" that people think are important but really and truly are not.

Right now my heart is too busy breaking.

More About Being Still

Earlier this month I wrote about having a "Be still and know that I am God" moment. I thought that after that week passed that I was good; that I understood what God wanted from me. Apparently I have a very short memory or a poor understanding of what God was trying to say (probably a little of both).

Tuesday night I had an unexpected break down thinking about a variety of things. I cried and questioned God and called out for some reassurance. He was merciful and reminded me of the journey that He has me on but the whole experience left me emotionally and physically frail. That made for a very interesting Wednesday.

When I arrived at work I was exhausted and could hardly focus. As I looked ahead at my schedule for the week I felt a tidal wave of crushing responsibilities weighing down on me. Worse still, I felt like there was no time to accomplish it all. I made a post on Facebook and was touched by the way everyone responded. One of my friends said she would pray for me and, when she did, she said she heard the phrase, "Be still and know I am God."

In the Bible when God repeats a phrase it is because He wants us to take note. So I decided maybe I need to sit up and pay attention. As I pondered over what it means to "be still" I realized I had no idea what God was actually asking of me.

I went to the internet and looked up some commentaries on Psalm 46:10 and found one that spoke peace to my heart. It talks about what "be still" means in this passage. Basically it is more than stopping and not trying to do so much. It is an attitude of "giving up" and acknowledging that without God's power we cannot accomplish anything. Here's something that stood out to me:

Here is the irony in this term “be still.” While we must take the initiative to fulfill our responsibilities and live our lives, the uncertainties of living in a world of sin and woe will continually challenge us. Personal initiative is no substitute for reliance upon God (cf. James 4:13-17).

So, I do have to keep striving towards fulfilling my calling but I have to do it in total reliance upon God.

This is definitely something that is going to take some time to fully understand and realize. At the heart of it I think God wants me to take a step back from continually filling my plate so that I can focus on what He is doing and what He is calling me to do. I'm also going to have to work on my attitude about job responsibilities. I know what I'm called to do and when I look at that task it is overwhelming. However, with God, I can accomplish it. I have to stop trying to do so much on my own and start praying that God will take care of every little detail along the way.

P.S. Here's commentary that I found on Psalm 46:10 that really illuminated some things to me.

Worrywart: Hypochondriac Edition

I am a bona fide worrywart. My incessant anxiety issues will probably come up multiple times on this blog in various forms. I can find anything to worry about and often do. There is almost always something I can find to work myself up about. This weekend, for example, I had a brief episode of hypochondria.

My Myers-Brigg's personality is an INTJ. I thrive on logic and order and I value intelligence. However, because I can get stuck in my own head and I like to come to a conclusion before fully fleshing ideas out, sometimes I come up with the "worst case scenario" and assume that to be the truth. At various points in my life I have been afraid that I had botulism, a brain tumor, AIDS, and various forms of cancer (never mind the very obvious reasons why I would have none of these issues). Take, for example, this classic freakout about the brain tumor...

Me: I'm totally freaking out!
Best Friend: Why?
M: I think I might have a brain tumor.
BF: Why would you think that?
M: I've been having these weird migraine-type headaches for the last few weeks.
BF: You don't have a brain tumor.
M: I might!
BF: You don't have a brain tumor.
M: I could!
BF: You don't.
M: Well, I'm going to the doctor and I'm going to ask them and what if they tell me that I have a brain tumor?!?
BF: They're not going to tell you that you have a brain tumor because you don't have one. You are more likely to have a tumor on your ass.
M: Yeah!!! Well, what if I go to the doctor and they tell me that I have a brain tumor on my ass?!?! What then?!?!

Just a sampling of my ridiculous thinking.

Needless to say, WebMD has become a frienemy of mine. It offers hope in one paragraph ("Migraines can be a sign of the following: stress, lack of sleep, looking at the sun too long..." Excellent! I'll just take a nap everyday!) and life destroying damnation in the next ("...cancer, leprosy, and brain eating bacteria." Great, I'm pretty much dead.)

It also really helps that my mother, aunt, and grandmother enjoy watching true crime and hospital horror shows. They have a weird, soul crushing story for everything. Cut your finger? They saw a story about someone who lost the entire right side of their body after an infection seeped in through a paper cut. Feeling dizzy? They watched a program about an entire school of children who contracted a rare disease that caused them to feel dizzy and then suddenly drop dead two days later. If you are looking for comfort from them you are likely not to find it. The icing on the cake is mentioning an ailment to them and ending up in a 2 hour conversation about all the horrible and bizarre things they have heard about people who had the exact same thing that you did. Oh, and P.S. they all ended up dead. But you're likely to pull through! :::pat on the back:::

This weekend I was pretty sure I had contracted some awful disease. I won't even tell you my symptoms or what I thought was going on because, thinking about it in hindsight, I can see how it was all simply crazy-pants. I'm not saying that there isn't cause for concern when things do go wrong. But let's face the facts: I've had good check ups from my doctor for the last several years. I eat relatively healthy and work out 4-5 times a week. I take supplements and vitamins. This doesn't make me invincible by any means but I have managed to escape several rounds of respiratory issues and stomach viruses this winter.

So, no. I'm pretty sure I don't have pneumonia of the pinky toe. But since I've just proclaimed my current, healthy state of existence I'm pretty certain that next week I will come down with the flu.