Happy Birthday to Me!

I wrote this yesterday morning (June 25th) but didn't get the chance to post it until today. Apologies...

Today is my birthday and I'm turning 32. When I turned 30 I had a feeling this was going to be the best decade of my life. So far it seems to be headed in that direction.

Professionally, I feel like I have finally found my calling. I love mental health therapy. I love working with the most troubled kiddos. For almost two and half years I worked at a job that I really enjoyed, even though there were times it got pretty tough. In less than a week I will be following my calling even further to Romania where I will be in the trenches with orphaned and abandoned kids almost every single day and I can't wait.

Spiritually, I feel like I'm tracking pretty well with God (though we can always do better, right?). I have setbacks but I have really seen God do some awesome things in my life. I feel peace and joy in my spirit that weren't there five or six years ago. I am more grateful than I ever have been for God's saving grace. I'm still learning lessons but I feel like I get the lesson quicker and I experience restoration in my relationship with God immediately, a feeling that I struggled to find, sometimes for months or years, in the past. These are things that I have wrestled with over the years and I feel like, maybe, I'm finally starting to get the picture.

I have had the joy of spending the last 3 years building closer relationships with my family members. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. I've gotten to spend more time with my grandparents than in many years past. I have an awesome nephew who inspires me to be a better person. I have amazing kids who continue to grow and change in ways that five years ago I never thought possible.

My sweet nephew hanging out with me on my bed.

My Iuli, who is awesome.

My Ionut, who is also awesome.

My girls, Catalina and Albina...also awesome.

My George...you guessed it, another awesome kid!

My Mirela, truly an awesome girl.

As I look ahead to the next year I'm filled with excitement. I'm so thankful to my family and friends for letting me go be a mom to my kids on a daily basis for awhile. I'm grateful to God for the huge blessings He has given me over the last year. I'm ready to tackle the next challenge and see where life takes me. Yesterday, I moved 20 huge boxes of donations for my nonprofit from one storage unit to another all by myself. Then I went to an indoor trampoline center and bounced with my little cousins for two hours. At the end of the day I felt strong, not old (well, until this morning when I woke up with shoulder and neck pain, then I felt a little bit old). I want to always be able to play soccer when my kids ask me to. I want to be able to go swimming in the summer for hours at a time. I want to run and jump and kiss and hug and flip and climb trees if that's what's needed to show my kids and my nephew that I love them.

This is everything I moved by myself.

Playing soccer last year with my kids.

So, happy birthday to me! Here's to another beautiful year full of new and exciting experiences, growth, and love.

New Year

I truly love days where you are forced to just rest and be still. Today, most shops are closed (or should be), there is no work to rush off to, no obligations to attend to. I'm thankful for this kind of day. They are so very few and far between. I was looking back at what I was doing this time last year and, in some ways, I was much less "busy" then than I am now. I feel a real weight of responsibilities at work that never seem to end and I feel a constant "push" at my back that reminds me the job is never finished. Strangely though, I'm nowhere near as anxious or stressed as I would have been this time last year with this much responsibility hanging over my head. God, in his sovereignty, taught me how to rest in Him and cast off my anxiety in anticipation of this moment. He taught me to sense when work was starting to overwhelm me and to step back and assess rather than get caught up in the moment and be swept away by fear and doubt. While I certainly wish most days that I had another 24 hours to accomplish all that needs to be done, I just do what I can and move on. I'm learning to look at a job and think, "How can this be done more efficiently? Who needs to be trained to help with this task? How can I train them in the way that is most beneficial to me and to them?" I know that learning to think this way is going to serve me well in the future. I look at systems and I see the brokenness. But it's not enough for me to recognize that they system is broken, God has placed a desire in my heart to fix the system and heal the people affected. Through this healing process God's power and goodness are revealed. I only pray that God continues to give me wisdom and guidance because I'm definitely the least qualified for the job!

I praise God that today is a day when I can feel the "push" ease a little. Where I can see that things may never get easier and the burden may never get lighter but that I am getting stronger. I'm so grateful for a moment to rest and be away from the responsibilities, even just for a minute. I pray that God will continue to provide these days throughout this year at just the time I need them.

More About Being Still

Earlier this month I wrote about having a "Be still and know that I am God" moment. I thought that after that week passed that I was good; that I understood what God wanted from me. Apparently I have a very short memory or a poor understanding of what God was trying to say (probably a little of both).

Tuesday night I had an unexpected break down thinking about a variety of things. I cried and questioned God and called out for some reassurance. He was merciful and reminded me of the journey that He has me on but the whole experience left me emotionally and physically frail. That made for a very interesting Wednesday.

When I arrived at work I was exhausted and could hardly focus. As I looked ahead at my schedule for the week I felt a tidal wave of crushing responsibilities weighing down on me. Worse still, I felt like there was no time to accomplish it all. I made a post on Facebook and was touched by the way everyone responded. One of my friends said she would pray for me and, when she did, she said she heard the phrase, "Be still and know I am God."

In the Bible when God repeats a phrase it is because He wants us to take note. So I decided maybe I need to sit up and pay attention. As I pondered over what it means to "be still" I realized I had no idea what God was actually asking of me.

I went to the internet and looked up some commentaries on Psalm 46:10 and found one that spoke peace to my heart. It talks about what "be still" means in this passage. Basically it is more than stopping and not trying to do so much. It is an attitude of "giving up" and acknowledging that without God's power we cannot accomplish anything. Here's something that stood out to me:

Here is the irony in this term “be still.” While we must take the initiative to fulfill our responsibilities and live our lives, the uncertainties of living in a world of sin and woe will continually challenge us. Personal initiative is no substitute for reliance upon God (cf. James 4:13-17).

So, I do have to keep striving towards fulfilling my calling but I have to do it in total reliance upon God.

This is definitely something that is going to take some time to fully understand and realize. At the heart of it I think God wants me to take a step back from continually filling my plate so that I can focus on what He is doing and what He is calling me to do. I'm also going to have to work on my attitude about job responsibilities. I know what I'm called to do and when I look at that task it is overwhelming. However, with God, I can accomplish it. I have to stop trying to do so much on my own and start praying that God will take care of every little detail along the way.

P.S. Here's commentary that I found on Psalm 46:10 that really illuminated some things to me.

2.5 Hours

On Monday school started in Romania. And my boys came back to the orphanage.

Iulian, me, Florin, and George. My little boys have grown into men!

For about 2 and half hours I watched them play soccer, let them take pictures with my camera, helped them open their presents, and played cards together

This mama's heart is happy again.

Choosing the Bright Side

I found out this morning (at 12:25 a.m. to be exact) that 2 of my boys and their little brother went home with their bio mom for Christmas break. This means that I may or may not see them when I go to Romania later this week.

George and Iulian (on the far left and far right of the picture above) are 2 of the kids I've been closest to for years. Iuli especially. He's my "baby" :) My heart is grieving and I'm definitely a but stressed. They have promised to call but will they be able? Will they get anything for Christmas? Will they have enough food? Will they be safe? This is the first time since they came to the orphanage about 4 years ago that I have heard of their mother taking them home. Of course I'm worried! And sad. And hopeful. I don't want my kids to be orphans but selfishly I want them to be my sons. Oh man, this is definitely one of those "faith testing moments." Thanks, God. Happy holidays indeed.

But I'm choosing to look at the bright side in all of this. I'm choosing peace. I'm choosing belief in a God who is greater than everything. Maybe if I keep repeating this mantra all day then it will actually stick because, honestly, choosing to be calm and peaceful about this is hard.

However, I was reminded of something else that is making this easier. I was reminded of Ionut (in the center of the picture above) and Nicu

and Albina

and Marian, and Marius, and Diana, and...the list could go on and on. Of course I never forgot about them. I just didn't think about how God might need me to be with them this year. Maybe they need me now in a way that if George and Iulian and Florin were there I might miss. Yes, I'm excited to go and see them and see how God will use me on this trip. I remember that after my first trip years ago I prayed that when I returned I might get even just 1 day with Iulian again. I would travel halfway around the world just to spend an hour with that kid. I'm still praying that prayer for this trip. Lord, just give me 1 day with him and George. Just 1. But it's true for the others too. I would travel halfway around the world just for 1 day with Ionut, Nicu, Albina, Marian, Marius, Diana...especially if I knew they needed me.

I know it's selfish but would you please pray that I will get to see George and Iulian at least once while I'm in Romania? I want to know that they are safe and ok. And pray that I will keep choosing to see the bright side so that I'm emotionally available for the other kids. Thanks!