I Think They Know in Their Hearts

I'm always amazed each time I go to Romania which kids end up being drawn to me and me to them. Sometimes I end up spending time with kids I have known for a long time but who drift in and out of their interest in being with me. Sometimes I spend time with kids I hardly know at all. And, of course, there are some kids I always spend time with.

Of all the places we visit I'm always most interested to see how my time at Voluntari will go. The orphanage is full of younger kids so they are less likely to remember me from visit to visit. This time I ended up being with one little boy, Alberto, quite a bit, especially during our second week.

I actually knew Alberto from the time he first arrived at the orphanage. I distinctly remember him because he was one of the only kids there who was still in diapers. He was such a little cutie with his big eyes and chubby little cheeks!

Making crafts (Summer 2012)

At the pool party (Summer 2012)

Swinging (Summer 2012)

Alberto was around the other times that I went (though I seem to lack much photographic evidence of such) and I'm sure that I spent a little time with him here and there but, overall, we haven't had a whole lot of interactions. Little Alberto got integrated into the 30 plus "grădiniță" (preschool and kindergarten aged kids) at Voluntari.

Getting Christmas presents (Winter 2012/2013)

Sitting with Ms. Cherri (Winter 2013/2014)

Front and center (in the blue stripes) to show off his snowflake craft (Winter 2013/2014)

I hate to say that Alberto got lost in the crowd but as a very quiet and very well behaved (relative to all his peers of course) little boy he sometimes got overlooked for the kids who were running in circles, climbing on the tables, and yelling at the top of their lungs. But this time around, he picked me.

I spent one day playing a little on the playground with him (I think I took an interest in his trucks or something like that) and from then on he would find me. He'd stick out his little hand and I'd take it and we'd be on our way.

At outdoor worship time the day we decided to be best buds.

I can't explain why some kids decide after all the years, after all the visits, after all the time why they are ready to let you into their little world.

The Day of 100 Selfies (literally...he took over 120 pictures sitting on my lap one afternoon).

I don't know if Alberto really remembered me from all the visits before. I don't know if any of the little kids do. But I do believe that God helps them remember in their hearts if not in their heads.

Processing

For the last 2 weeks I have been in Romania (as you might remember me mentioning). I had initially gone with every intention of blogging while I was there. But I really couldn't put to words what I was feeling. Now that I'm home, the real processing will start. Over the next few weeks I'm going to try and share what was on my heart and my mind while I was away. The stories will likely not go in the order that they occurred but I don't think that will matter in the long run. I will also post some of these stories on the Walking With Orphans page as well (which you should check out...I've started a new campaign for future trips and you can buy a shirt to help support me...there's even a video, with music!). I hope that you will enjoy hearing about my time in Romania and my heart for those kiddos.

Almost Time

I've got some butterflies in my stomach. The reality is finally setting in...I'm going to be in Romania in a little over a week! It feels like I just left but I can't wait to be back. In the meantime I have so much to do...buy supplies, pack, get my car serviced, pack, wash clothes, pack, find my cameras and batteries, pack...did I mention that I need to pack? I'm going to have a lot of stuff to take between the goodies my mom bought for the kids, the ministry supplies I'm taking, and, oh yeah, my clothes. I can't wait though. Even if all I end up taking is a t-shirt and pair of shorts to get me through two weeks I'll be happy.

Be praying for me as I prep everything at work and home for my departure and attempt to buy $50 worth of over the counter pain meds and $100 worth of fabric markers...it's a strange, weird life I lead, I know. Pray also for our team and that we will get along. I'm going with a group from Reno, Nevada who I have worked with before. I'm the only "outsider" and, while I'm pretty sure we'll all get along fine, just pray that we all bond well. And, most importantly, pray for the kids. I really want to see my boys and spend more than a day with them (like I did post-Christmas). I also want to just continue to connect with these kids so that they will see God's love for them through me. Oh, and I do have an unspoken prayer request for myself. If you could lift it up to God for me I would appreciate it...He knows what it's about...

Ok, so...9 days left...maybe I should find my suitcase...

Self Imposed Time Off

Recently I took a nice, planned, vacation with my parents and a nice, not so planned, break from the blog. I need to make time away from all my obligations and activities so that I don't start to feel overwhelmed by everything. Work had gotten to the point where I was very grouchy and frustrated at the slightest thing so I knew it was time for a little getaway.

Mom, Dad, my Aunt Becky, and I went to Amelia Island for a long weekend. Becky and I drove down on Friday afternoon and came back on Monday afternoon. I didn't take too much time off because I will be leaving for Romania on June 7th and I will need some of that vacation/personal time for then.

The weather at the beach was perfect. Not too hot, a great breeze, and not a cloud in the sky. I spent two days just lounging on the beach, getting sunburned, and reading magazines. It was great.

Dad and I ventured in to the little town of Fernandina Beach on Monday before we left to drive back home and did a little window shopping.

Of course I also made time for some knitting and nearly finished up a pair of socks.

It seems I didn't take a single picture while I was on vacation. The only one I have is one my aunt took the first night we were there.

View from our balcony.

Oh, and this one of a lizard on the hood of our car.

You have to look closely but he's there.

All in all it was a very much needed break. It has been back to work for the last week but I'm already ready for another long weekend (Memorial Day) this weekend.

Getting Past Your Past

Saturday night I went to my best friend's brother's wedding. It was a very nice affair that was fitting of the bride and groom (it was partially Star Wars themed and they served pizza). I had a great time except for one thing..."College Melissa" came out a little bit.

"College Melissa" enjoys a good party a little too much. She is selfish. She is a follower, not a leader. She says "yes" when she should say "no." I still have trouble dealing with "College Melissa."

As a therapist I tell my clients that we are the sum product of all our life experiences up to this moment in time. And we can choose to do with that what we will. In dealing with the past we basically have two choices: let it become a crutch and hobble along through life ("If only that hadn't happened then things would be different...""Because of that thing I act this way now...""I can't. Remember what happened to me?"etc., etc., etc.) or we can rise about our circumstances ("I used to be that way but I don't do that any more.""Yes, that was a terrible thing but that was then, this is now."). We have clients at our agency that struggle to move past their pasts. The life they have known is sometimes abusive, violent, substance abuse riddled, and generally maladaptive in all forms. They struggle to find a new, law abiding, healthy way to live their lives. When I first gave up "College Melissa" I had the same struggle. She reigned supreme for about 3 years but held on for at least 4 or 5 more. I would find myself working my way out of the mire only to slip backwards again after a rough night or one poor choice. Even now every once in awhile (like Saturday) "College Melissa" will rear her ugly head. Now, thankfully she shows up very infrequently and she is no where near as out of control or troublesome as she used to be. But she still represents something that I no longer am. The worst part of it all is that I have such extreme guilt following a "College Melissa" episode.

I know that I am a child of God. And I know that I am forgiven. I know that even when I stumble God doesn't turn His back on me. He saw me through some of the toughest times in my life safely to the other side and He won't leave me now. I know all this and yet I allow Satan to convince me I'm a total screw up. Unworthy of being salvaged at this point. Not forgivable. Better just to lie down in the middle of the street and give up. And, worst one of all, that I'm a terrible Christian and a bad example of Christ to others. That last one really hurts.

Over the years I have developed a system that can help me to make sure that my old habitual sins don't show up again (and that "College Melissa" has less a chance of showing up). Maybe they can help you if you're struggling to get past your past.
1. Know yourself. You need to know your triggers, "danger situations", and threats. You can't fix something you haven't bothered to even find yet.
2. Set up a plan before hand. I heard this advice first about boundaries in dating: "Decide how far you're going to let things go before you go out on the date. If you wait until you're making out half dressed in a dark bedroom later to stop things it will be much harder." This applies to any situation though. Know your limits and set them early.
3. Use the buddy system. Sometimes I enlist the help of a trusted, non judgmental friend to help me enforce my boundaries. I once asked an ex-boyfriend of mine to help me with this when we were still dating. Later, after he had stepped aside and allowed me to break my self imposed rules, he said, "You're a big girl. You could have walked away if you wanted to." No, idiot. I couldn't. I needed you to help me. It was big of me just to ask for help. And you weren't big enough to help me. That's why he's now my ex.

I didn't use any of these on Saturday. I had been prepping and worrying about a big test and my Romanian lessons earlier in the day. For some reason it didn't even cross my mind to think about the situation I would be in later that evening. I briefly thought about my boundaries while I was sitting in the ceremony but by then I was already in it. It made it very easy to be flexible on my rules. And my best friend was there but I didn't bother to ask her to help me. Mostly because I hadn't set my plan first.

Today I'm dealing with the consequences of my decisions. I'm exhausted because I stayed out to late. I have a headache and my toes were stained blue for some very odd and unknown reason this morning. But I'm pulling myself back together. I really took to heart the message of forgiveness through the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ that our worship leader preached this morning. I had 1 or 2 very minor panic attacks (usually have a several big ones throughout the day after "College Melissa" comes out) and I've been reminding myself of the truth of God and His love for me. I know that I will stumble in some way in the future. But I hope that when I do that it's a trip and not a fall. I hope that I can get myself reset on the right path again and not be a barrier for reaching others. And maybe one day I will find that "College Melissa" is truly in the past for good.

Edited to add: This doesn't mean I didn't have a great time at the wedding and that I'm sorry I went. On the contrary, I had a great time and I'm very thankful that I got to go. This is just a personal glimpse into my struggles with getting over the past and the difficulty I have when my heart, head, and actions sometimes don't line up.

What Do You Say?

Today one of my younger clients asked me an honest and innocent question:

Do you have boys are girls?

Hmmm...how to answer that.

Be still my heart...

I have both but they don't live here with me. They live on the other side of the world. (The truth but very hard for a 6 year old to understand.)

I love that smile!

I don't have any kids. (According to the federal government this is the truth but try telling my heart that.)

My lovely pre-teens.

Yes...no...:::awkwardly changing the subject:: (Just weird...)

This one keeps me on my toes.

What did I tell her:

I have both.

And that was all. No lengthy explanation. Just the truth, straight from my heart.

This is by far the toughest question I get asked. Kids are more likely to just take what you tell them and go with it. Adults want proof. You've got kids? Where are their pictures? Why don't you have soccer gear in the back of your car? How many? No father? They seem a little old...how old are you exactly?

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't slap one of those stick figure families on the back of my car just to save time. That's like the suburban trophy of family-dom.

The life of the missionary mama...The struggle is real, ya'll.

An Excellent Weekend

Last weekend was probably one of the best that I've had in a while. I was able to get off early on Friday and have the whole weekend free to do what I wanted.

Saturday was the "main event" so to speak. It started with breakfast at the Highland Bakery with the fam. That's where I literally got blessed and anointed while eating chicken biscuits. Afterwards, me, my mom, and my sister-in-law walked down to the Inman Park Festival.

Me and my mom.

Me and my sister-in-law.

This is probably one of my favorite festivals. We spent almost 6 hours walking around and buying stuff (soap, homemade donuts, artisan chocolate, handmade pottery, etc.).

One of the highlights of Saturday is the parade. It's quite eclectic.

The Seed and Feed Marching Abominable.

The Precision Attache Team.

Part of the Big Mask Project.

Box Heros

All in all we had a great time and by the end of the day I was exhausted. Sunday was the usual (church, napping, cooking) along with a little cleaning and prep for the week ahead. Unfortunately the weekend was far too short. It's back to the daily grind (or daily bulldozing as the case is more likely to be).